Anton Rippon: Works meals, office fuddles and Santa in October. Bah!
“ARE you ready for Christmas?” asked the man at the bar. I said that we were well prepared. Not having an extended family in Derby helps. There is then no need for catering on an industrial scale.
We have relatives in several far-flung parts of the British Isles and everyone does their own thing locally.
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Anton Rippon
In our case that means spending the festive season in the company of close friends, “the family you choose for yourselves” as the saying goes. Not that we don’t get on with our kith and kin but it’s nice to be home at Christmas.
“It’s all the trappings in shops and on television that get to me,” said the man. “Checkout staff wearing antlers – what’s that all about?”
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He said that he had recently obtained a library book entitled I Hate Christmas: A Manifesto For The Modern-day Scrooge and was looking forward to reading it.
Me? I like Christmas, but I had to agree that the season starts far too soon. I was taken aback in mid-October this year by the sight of a Father Christmas figure hovering in the door of the Co-op in East Street. It startled me. For a moment I thought that I’d lost a month.
The man warmed to his theme: “When I was at work, I used to hate the Christmas outing meal. We finished up having to eat what amounted to an overpriced, badly cooked roast dinner served by poorly trained temporary staff.
“I once asked why we couldn’t just go out for a meal in January or February, but any suggestions for an alternative were shouted down by people who felt that my computer monitor needed tinsel around it.
“And don’t mention the Christmas office fuddle. That brings back the horrors of people turning up with more food than anyone could eat, just to prove they had some cooking skills, or shopped at Waitrose. The result was waste and mess.”
I had to agree there too, although my worst memory of office food isn’t of Christmas, but of one Easter when someone who thought they could cook brought in homemade hot-cross buns that would have been entitled to weigh so heavy only if battling the gravity of Jupiter.
At this point, I should say that the man at the bar does exist. Some readers have suggested that he is an alter ego, a device that I’ve invented to press home points of view. But he is real and all the words are his. I’ve offered to identify him but he prefers to remain anonymous (it’s not Alf, by the way).
Just then, Alf did come in, complaining about being late because “there’s a lot of traffic on the road”. After suggesting that this was the best place for it, I pointed out that Alf was himself contributing to the heavy traffic. And I recalled a distinguished sportswriter from these parts who came into my office one Christmas, affronted that the Eagle Centre was “full of the general public” as though he didn’t count.
But the other day I found myself chuntering about “pensioners wandering around Tesco”. Then I realised that I was describing myself. It’s so easy to forget that the world doesn’t revolve around oneself.
Comments
by Neo_MadBadger
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 8:22PM
“As an accountant also, I agree with smshogun that the Xmas office festivities just don't add up.”
by Neo_MadBadger
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 8:04PM
“Aah, Xmas is a time for dreams smshogun! For instance, I dream at Xmas of "being a member of the senior management team", just like you are!”
by oscardoodle
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 7:54PM
“I was never a fan of the enforced office fuddle two hours before breaking up early- plastic cups of some red wine no longer brewed by Duckhams Q20-50, sausage rolls that looked like the ammunition rack from a machine gun that fires terrapins and all of the people that you would hate to be trapped in a lift with all standing in a circle, apart from the office vamp draped over a photocopier. And nobody with anything to say.
So you go off down town at lunch and the pubs are packed with part time drinkers and women wobbling about and getting emotional on a single Cinzano, and fat men in Patrick Moore suits who think they're Pierce Brosnan with badly done ties drowning out the sound system which is playing bleeding Slade yet again, and all of the regulars are balanced on top of a fruit machine shouting 'Sanctuary!' and praying for January 2nd.
merry Christmas!”
by chriscollis
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 7:45PM
“by smshogun
Being a sober non drinker at the xmas staff party smshogun is awkward.
My works xmas party led to a secret kiss and cuddle with a lovely girl.
Now 48 yrs on I am so pleased I had the drink that gave me the courage to kiss her.”
by smshogun
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 6:15PM
“I must admit I hate the office fuddle, as I don't drink through my own choice, is there any logical reason for me being there other than being a member of the senior management team, and that doesn't wash either. Do I wan't to see many getting drunk and one young (or more and some not so young) office females knicker elastic getting slacker in proportion to their alcohol consumption and always one male willing to take advantage of the slack knicker elastic.
Then it all kicks off, married male's wife finds out and one marriage is wrecked, often children are involved in this unnecessary turmoil, and sometimes it leads to another child. Then you may have a drink spiked and you have a company car and drive home, suddenly the mirror is filled with blue lights and a traffic plod asks you to blow up his electronic balloon and the disco lights go to red, Sorry, its company policy we've got to let you go because you've lost your licence.
Sooner miss the fuddle and do something else.”
by DerbyBorn
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 4:08PM
“make_redgreen - the pre Chistmas office/work dinner can easly become 2 if you and wife/partner are working - add to that the Christmas dinner of any clubs and societies to which you may belong and you have soon spent £100 on meals that you neither need or want at a time of year when it is too cold to want to go out and you are busy with other things. Try and decline and you are called a miserable SOB.”
by make_redgreen
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 2:18PM
“Agree on the office bit(s) - also, it's cringeworthy having to spend some of your personal time with people that you see for 40 odd hours a week anyway. But I'll still do it.
Other than that I've already got all the decorations up (and purchased more!), got around a 500 song Christmas playlist, got all the present shopping done and are now just waiting for the world championship darts to start to top it all off!
Bah humbugs need not apply!”
by janine2011
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 9:50AM
“I vowed never to have family at Christmas ever again after they spent more time arguing than they did eating the meal that took hours to prepare and cook. At least with friends it is an enjoyable day and agree with Anton that friends are the family you choose yourself.”
by DerbyBorn
Wednesday, December 12 2012, 9:20AM
“Brilliant. I must get that book.
I saw a car with antlers a few days ago. They must be having a marvellous time wherever they drive!”