Derbyshire in Barbados: Mark Eklid's tour diary
LAST year, I solved the issue of stress in the workplace by recommending a 20-minute swim in the Caribbean Sea for all workers every lunchtime.
If you still feel stressed at work and didn't follow my instructions, that's down to you.
This year, I would like to offer an even greater service to mankind – a cure for the common cold.
At first, I thought it was cruel to catch a cold in the fierce heat of Barbados – how does that happen? – but now I realise the reason was to serve a greater purpose and that was to resolve an issue that has foxed the greatest scientific minds for hundreds of years.
The cure works like this.
First, you need to catch a reggae bus. They are very frequent and the loud music, plus the severe pressures from the harsh brake-accelerate-brake style of the driver, should loosen any blockages in the ears and airways.
Get off at the beach of your choice, take off your shoes and socks and stroll along the shore for roughly 20 minutes, allowing the sea to caress your bare feet as you move at no more than sauntering pace.
Be sure to remember your sunglasses at this stage so you can discreetly check out the girls in their bikinis as you go (this element of the prescription may vary slightly according to your gender).
After strolling, buy a beer and find a palm tree so you can drink the beer under its soothing shade. Repeat as necessary up to a maximum four doses per hour and remember – if symptoms persist, always consult your barman.
By now, you should be feeling much better. The sniffles will be replaced by a warm, fuzzy feeling of well-being, the like of which no amount of Lemsip in the world could possibly match.
If the Nobel Commission are reading this, you know where to find me.